27 Surefire Signs You Have a Toddler

1. A relaxing bath is constituted by having toys launched at you from tubside and having to judge the splash.

2. You have found poop on you and shrugged it off like it was no big deal

3. You have found poop on you and died because omfg yes it is a big fucking deal

4. You own a NoseFrida

5. You have used a NoseFrida on your kid

6. You have used a NoseFrida on yourself 

7. Your toilet paper looks like this:

8. You have made at least one unnecessary (and expensive) trip to the ER because #momanxiety 

9. You have a nose-picking fingernail (here’s lookin at you, pinkie)

10. You have accidentally hurt your kid and almost died from guilt

11. You have watched your kid accidentally hurt themselves and almost died from holding in laughter

12. You say “thank you” when someone hands you a booger

13. You’ve handed the kids an iPad so you had enough peace and quiet to read that article about how damaging screen time is

14. You consider yourself bilingual because you can sing all the Samoan parts in Moana

15. Even though Pinky Pie sounds like a sex euphemism, you know it’s actually a My Little Pony

16. This is who watches you take a poo:

17. This is who watches you take a bath:

18. You live in a no-sex surveillance state 

19. You’ve told someone not to eat something out of the trash, off the floor or out of the toilet all in the past 24 hours 

20. You hold your breath after every loud crash waiting for crying (bad), breaking glass (also bad) or laughter (possibly worse).

21. Your white dogs routinely are stained red with Spaghetti-os.

22. Right this second, somewhere in your camera roll, there is a picture of a turd.

23. You’ve chosen sides in the fierce DockATot/Snuggle Me Organic, Boppy/Moonwomb, + Tula/Ergo debates

24. Getting marker off of walls is Child’s play. Getting slime out of shag carpet is the real fight.

25. You have a Netflix profile that looks like this: 

26. You have gladly accepted a wet kiss from a snotty nosed toddler because they’re only little for such a little while

27. You have also stiff-armed a snot covered would-be kiss-giver TF away from your face because NOT TODAY SATAN


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